The Worst Army Ever

5

2007-03-18

We've been duped. But don't feel too bad, it happens to the best of us. Throughout our childhood, we believed that G.I.Joe was this great organization that would stop terrorists and defend us from the evils of Cobra. I find that hard to believe.

First off, how did Cobra get so big in the first place? How did they build bases all over the world (including inside the U.S.) and amass a huge army and billions of dollars? Where was G.I.Joe then? Don't they have satellites, spies, and a huge government budget? What were they doing all this time? Were they just sitting around, thinking up nicknames for each other and picking out their ridiculous outfits?

Secondly, there's a reason that their called uniforms. But, the Joe's are not very uniform. Bazooka wears a football jersery that's bright red. What a great idea when going into combat! Yeah, I want to stand next to that guy. Quick Kick doesn't even wear a shirt or shoes. He can fight terrorists, but he would be refused service in most McDonalds. And don't get me started with the women, the only one that at least has an army uniform is Lady Jay with her mighty spears.

There's no way I would choose a grenade launcher over a spear. It's a know fact that a spear equals fear.

That brings me to another lack of uniformity--the weapons. When the sign-up list was posted for G.I.Joe, it must've been a "bring your own weapon" affair. The Joe's brought all types of guns, swords, and other martial arts weapons. Even worse, some brought animals. Yes, several of these so called "soldiers" brought animals. Who wants to go into battle with a guy named Shipwreck and his loud mouthed parrot, Polly? The worst offender is Snake Eyes. It's bad enough that he doesn't talk, but what's with the wolf? Is that necessary? I don't think so. At least Cobra has matching uniforms, weapons, and a cool logo (which the author has tattooed on his left shoulderblade. -ed)

Another thing found lacking in this army is some of its members. Barbecue? He's a freaking fireman? Does Cobra just run around and start fires? Is it completely necessary to have one guy that all he does is fight fires? Couldn't they just crosstrain several people in that task? His counterpart is Blowtorch, a guy with a flamethrower. Great! Now we can start fires so that Barbecue has something to do. There are some important members: medics, radio operators, demolitions experts, but there are also some not so important members: ninjas, divers that spend most of their time in land combat, ecologically concerned fighters with names like "Cleanup" and "Ozone".

Another example of a government employee whose job is to create work for another employee.

Some of the "Joes" are trained in EVERYTHING. They can fight hand to hand or use any weapon, and pilot any vehicle, why didn't they hire more of these people. A perfect example is Duke. Why couldn't the government hire more people like Duke. He wears a uniform, is a good leader, well trained, and doesn't have a cheesy code name like "Dusty" or "Sci-fi" (whose original uniform was lime green)

In closing, I think that realistically, Cobra would have stomped G.I.Joe all over the world, as long as they stopped making all their secret weapons in 3 parts and snake-looking, but that is another article...