Dark Crystal: How Crap Can Influence Pop-Culture

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2007-03-18

In 1982, Jim Henson started to go insane. With the best Kermit years behind him, he knew that he had to try something different. In whatever altered and inspired state of mind that Jim found himself, he created a movie that was both revolutionary and inspiring. This movie was The Dark Crystal.

Jim Henson had definitely penned more successful properties as The Dark Crystal did not find box office bliss. However, no Henson movie ever could ever hope to achieve the influential status that Dark Crystal would attain. The problem was not the influence movie, but rather, the problem with Dark Crystal is how craptastic this movie actually is. In my opinion, watching a cat dance in front of a test pattern for over an hour would be better than trying to endure the marathon pace of The Dark Crystal.

To go into a lengthy and detailed walkthrough of the movie would be a waste of time, and it would also better serve as prisoner torture. Instead, let's just hit on a few small chunks in this overall crap-fest.

-Chunk of Crap # 1: The Pod People

What better characters can a crappy movie have than actual crap posing as some of the characters. Now, I may be using the word "crap" a lot in this article, but take one look at the picture below.

Hello, we are living, talking fecal matter. We represent this movie well.

Pod People is the official title given to this race. This is the obligitory oppressed race. They get killed, tortured, abused, and spit upon. But at the same time, no one cares.

-Chunk of Crap # 2: The old, wise slug creatures

The Mystics are perhaps the single reason why you feel like the movie lasts 10 hours. By the third time you see these guys sloshing their way through the desert, you want them all to die horrible, painful deaths. The movie constantly has to show how incredibly slow they move by popping in from time to time to show the audience that these giant slugs are still in the desert and also, still not doing a blessed thing. Why couldn't Frank Oz put a stop to this?

The head honchos at the studio plan Dark Crystal's release.

-Chunk of Crap # 3: Kira

Simply put, Kira freaks me out. There are definitely more frightening creatures in this movie, but seeing Kira makes me cower in fear. I think this is due solely to the fact that she looks way too close to Morgan Fairchild.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Hate me because look I like a muppet.

-Chunk of Crap # 4: The Skeksis

Actually, I have no problems with these guys. The Skeksis are probably the only redeeming portion of the movie. Also, you can play a fun drinking game whenever the Chamberlain goes "Hmmm". Of course, this is basically all of the Chamberlain's lines so be ready to drink hard and fast.

Get ready to be plastered. Hmmmm.

-Chunk of Crap # 5: Fizzgig

Even the most ardent Dark Crystal fans can agree that Fizzgig is the worst Dark Crystal character. Even children probably hated any time that Fizzgig was on screen. Is it a he or she? Who knows or cares. Is he cute? Maybe in that mangy mutt kind of way. Is he useful? Goodness no. What was his purpose? All he does is growl, show these ferocious teeth, then hide and cower at every oppurtunity. Even Jar-Jar was more useful than this bloated waste of fur.

But for all of his annoyances, Fizzgig would help inspire an even worse evil--The Honeycomb mascot. Look at the evidence below. There is no slight resemblence here. The Honeycomb creature is just a computer-generated Fizzgig. Now, anytime I see Fizzgig on screen during Dark Crystal, I just want to shout "Me Want HoneyComb!"

Where did my inspiration come from?

Fizzgig has no idea, but his lawyers do. Fizzgig want Honeycomb and multi-million dollar settlement.

That's enough for now as I need to go wash my mind out by watching quality shows like King of the Hill. Luckily, Jim Henson would abandon the Dark Crystal world and go back to his cash cow Muppets. While the Muppets offered no breathtaking visuals or epic stories for Henson, they did offer one thing that The Dark Crystal could never offer--quality entertainment.