The Snowman Menace

5

2007-03-18

He's extremely white, wears a funny hat, is a bit on the odd side, and is a complete menace to children. Who could I be talking about? There's only possible person that fits that description. I'm talking about none other than Frosty the Snowman. This deranged freak has been wrongly portrayed by the media for too long.

Thumpety thump thump. Thumpety thump thump. Frosty could keep a good beat.

Where to start with this abomination to everything decent? Well, the hat is a good place to start. I guess there's nothing wrong with a snowman wearing a hat with a pink ribbon and a flower that has supernatural powers. But there is something wrong with the fact that the hat is stolen. What a great lesson for the kids that follow Frosty around, if you think that something will serve you better than its current owner, go ahead, take it.

That brings me to the kids. What's with Frosty wanting to sing and dance with children all day? Apparently, it's ok for them to miss school and head off to the North Pole without telling their parents. And how will they get to the North Pole? By illegally jumping on a train, of course. That brings the illegalities up to three so far, assuming Frosty keeps his dirty hands to himself on that train.

Frosty, didn't you learn? This is how Michael Jackson lost it all.

So, he steals a hat, kidnaps some children, jumps a train, and has the kids hang out with a filthy rabbit, in a refrigerated car. Hmmm, if he "loves" the children so much, he must be a complete idiot to constantly put them in harms way. Unless there's something more sinister at work here. Perhaps Frosty is a schizophrenic serial killer snowman. Perhaps the only thing he hates more than magicians is children. Yes, it all makes perfect sense now, his happy go lucky front, is hiding a dark frozen heart, full of hate and violence.

Finally, the true face of Frosty is revealed.

People, we must find this Frosty and bring him to justice immediately. Before another winter comes, subjecting us all to the terrors of the rage of Frosty, we must find and melt this sadistic beast.