My War With G.I. Joe

2

2007-03-18

A few weeks ago, I was cleaning out my closet, and beside my huge Budweiser bottle balloon, I found my old collection of G. I. Joe toys and junk. Since there's never a market for useless, old toys that had hardly been played with (some still in packaging), I decided to stage a full scale war with the Joe and Cobra forces. However, I decided against the usual Joe vs. Cobra war this time. Today, these long time foes had a common enemy--me.

I put all of their forces outside in my driveway. Luckily, my neighbor Cliff was gone for the day so I didn't have to hear him ask what I was doing. The Cobra and Joe grunt forces guarded the outer perimeter of the driveway gravel while the more popular characters took up the inside positions. After I finished putting everyone out, I began my assault.

With one quick sweep of my lawnmower, the grunt forces fell helplessly with broken fung-fu grips, shattered limbs, and torn rubber bands. I quickly sized up the remaining forces and pressed my advantage against a small crop of Joe and Cobra special forces.

These guys are weaker than the Iraqi army.

Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow led the next wave. The silent ninja thought that he could get an elite group of forces to sneak up on me, but I was too clever for him. These special forces put up a good fight, but they fell when I brought out my boot of doom. I knew I had them right where I wanted them. Destro and the Baroness never had a chance against my blender. The different vehicle forces showed a good bit of fight, with one actually wounding me when I tripped over the Cobra HISS tank and scraped my knee. My anger was hot and heavy now as I crushed the remainder of the bases and vehicles with the Louisville Slugger of Justice.

A worthy foe.

I then surveyed the two remaining figures. Duke and Cobra Commander, both helpless before me, stood trembling in fear. I quickly pulled my Bowie knife to chop off their heads as trophies. As I got closer, Duke surprised me by falling down. I tried to stop and pick him up, but I lost my balance as I stepped on the scattered body parts. I fell onto my knife, and buried the blade in my side.

As I lay bleeding, I looked at the face of my foes. I could swear I heard a giggle coming from inside the painted-on helmet of Cobra Commander. Then again, I was losing a lot of blood and starting to hallucinate. Later, I awoke in the hospital. My wounds will heal soon, and then I will have my revenge. I know that they are still waiting for me, but they will not beat me again. HA HA HA HA--ouch my side.

Laugh now, Commander. As Axl Rose once said, "I'm a cold heartbreaker, fit ta burn, and I'll rip your heart in two" Soon, you will be mine!